i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
