He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize