I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize