Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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