Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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