i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
