sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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