I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
