I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
