You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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