We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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