well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
