if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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