My liver just broke up with me...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
