Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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