I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
