Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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