Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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