if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
