i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
