Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
love makes seman taste better
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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