The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
