Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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