So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
