I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
