I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
