At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
