I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
