Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
