Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
