I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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