Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
