please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
