remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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