the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
