I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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