She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
