YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
