Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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