I will die if light touches me.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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