Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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