Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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