I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
