His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
