stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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