The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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