Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Be still, my beating vagina.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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