My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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