I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
