i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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