even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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