I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize