i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
