from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
