I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
