wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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