I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
